I have been tossed into Twitmo just in time for tonight’s CNN/Tea Party debate. I blame the patriarchy or something.

So now I have to do things as I did them pre-2008… I have to “live blog,” which is already so archaic that the Guardian in the UK does it.

Cool toy: President Bingo.

My chosen drinking cues are any invocation of 9/11, and any mention of racism.

I hope Bachmann has her helmet on again like last time. (Check out Perry with Bachmann’s helmet!)

Ok, off to mix a cocktail or twelve. Check back to this blog for some good old fashioned live debate blogging from 8pm onward.

7:39 It appears I have been released from Twitmo. The dogs and I had been singing revolutionary songs, and were getting ready to burn a flag. We chose Tonga, because… who the fuck expects that, right?

7:45 Trying to navigate through CNN’s rubbish website to get to the livestream of the debate. With the rise of people watching streaming video and the decline of people having cable packages, wouldn’t it make sense if the network websites didn’t require more drilling down than shale excavation?

7:49 Chuck Norris will be present at the debate.

7:52 God bless the Tea Party, but they are some dog ugly people.

7:57 I keep expecting Howie Mandell to come out on stage.

8:02 Plan to chug it back every time Herman Cain says NINENINENINE!

8:06 Ron Paul, in addition to being batshit crazy, also looks like Roddy McDowell.

8:07 That singing of the Star Spangled Banner was SO. FUCKING. BAD. even i refused to stand. And I stand when it’s a ringtone.

8:14 Bachmann says Obama stole from Medicare to create Obamacare. Raaaaacism!

8:17 Soooo glad I didn’t pick “Ponzi scheme” as a drinking cue. I’d be in the hospital already!

8:23 Newt calls Obama “scary.” Raaaaacism!

8:26 Question being asked by some Tea Party chick who looks like she gets 2-for-1 tanning with John Boehner.

8:31 I wouldn’t mind a threesome with Romney and Perry. Just sayin’.

8:42 NINENINENINE! Chug it back, motherfuckers!

8:48 “The American people create jobs, not government.” Point Newt.

8:51 Just remembered Huntsman is there. Take a drink!

8:55 Yes, the Fed DOES need an audit. Hellz yes.

8:57 Bachmann on Bernake treason. She dodges the question entirely.

9:00 Q: “Out of every dollar I earn, how much do you think I deserve to keep?” Awesome. Fucking awesome.

9:03 Point Newt on how GE doesn’t pay tax.

9:07 Perry backtracking on Gardisil. Hmmm…

9:10 Point Bachmann on Merck and Gardisil.

9:13 Point Cain on total repeal of Obamacare. Also, NINENINENINE! Take a drink!

9:18 Blitzer has the glow of a young pregnant woman. I suspect Clinique.

9:20 Blitzer is being a cunt. Backs Paul into a corner about letting people die if they can’t afford care. Paul is a doctor, took the oath.

9:27 Illegal immigration. At least MSNBC had the comedic prowess to bring out a random spic to ask the question. CNN got a creepy dude in a Hawaiian shirt. Fail.

9:32 Perry pulls “states rights” on illegal immigration. Sorry, but that’s an issue for the Fed.

9:33 Huntsman, who I keep forgetting is even there, accuses Perry of treason for not having tighter borders. Wow. Lots of boooooooos!

9:37 Energy independence. First to Cain. Please say NINENINENINE, I beg you!

9:39 To Gingrich on Nat Sec. Invokes 9/11. Take a drink! Ron Paul makes the usual isolationist argument. *yawn*

9:43 Ron Paul just threw his election chance by blaming America for 9/11.

9:44 Huntsman jumps on the Blame America bandwagon. He and Paul will likely be applying for jobs at Cain’s pizza chain pretty soon.

9:50 Paul said he’s teach America Austrian economics. Worked for Hitler!

9:51 Herman Cain would give us a sense of humor. Not a bad idea!

Final thoughts: Ron Paul and Huntsman are done. You won’t see them again. They slaughtered the sacred cow and blamed America for 9/11. We don’t need that – we have Paul Krugman for that. Bachmann has performed way better than I ever expected. Move her on to the next round. Herman Cain never has been and never will be a serious candidate. And where the fuck is Allen West?

Behind the scenes at a Brass Balls production meeting